Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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