what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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