Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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