Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
