I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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