my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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