On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
