Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
