Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
