So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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