I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
