No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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