You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
