just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
