i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's blow job season.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
