You smell like a Billy Joel song
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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