I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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