he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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