shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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