don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
