Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I faked an abortion last night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
