I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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