well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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