How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
