he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
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