I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
