so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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