Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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