I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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