my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I did not marry a roomba.
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