Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
