We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
