At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
