I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
