somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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