Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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