my vag is so smooth its legendary
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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