oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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