Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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