just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
