so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
