She said her name was "party"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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