I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
