my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
