I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
