exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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