I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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