Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
