A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
