So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize