So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
