I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
