New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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