After last night, I could never be a politician.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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