Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
